Bitterness

I can feel it. I am turning into a bitter person. I feel alone, and no matter how many people I stay around, how y friends love me, how successful I be, I'll always feel this  solitaryness. I look into the mirror and I hate myself and I hate the world.
So maybe the feelings are not so pure afterall. No, I dont hate her. But I hate the world.I hate chance and randomness. Somewhere deep down, I hate myself.
I cant take any jokes or comments she or prachi or harshad or anyone makes. Not any longer. I cant talk to anyone about this. I cant show my feelings.

I feel like I'll be like a ghost walking in the campus. Without that soul, but with the memory of it.

A Little Annoyed

I try to look happy and all in front of her, and now she reckons that I 'giggle' too much.

JAM

This little part of my life. This tiny little part...is what I call happiness. A newfound form of happiness. For that moment, even though I contributed only 0.5 points to the cause,  I had achieved something.
The burden of illusions, of knowlingly indulging in them, vapourised in that period of joyous oblivion.

She wants to marry the guy. and No. It is not a bitter pill. It is a tasteless poison. I may live like this forever, I might not find anyone like her, but I think  , with some time and emotional effort, I'll be able to forget my sentiments.My sentiments will go, only their memory will remain.

It is my great fortune that I have friends like Gagandeep and Shankhayan, Mayank and Murari, Prachi and Shuvi.

The day today gave me an indication that this is probably a phase. And probably not one which is worse that the one I had 5 years ago in two important ways. 1. I am better prepared and more mature to handle this.
2. I have many more means and friends to get me through it, to keep me busy and deluded.

Life, and Why I hate it

" I dont want to have a 9 year long long-distance relationship".

Then break it...Break it.. BREAK IT ! BREAK IT ! BREAK IT ! BREAK IT !  screams every little corner of me


"Then go for MS maybe. or since hes in Elec, maybe both you and him can go for a PhD in neuroscience and be together"

As they say... FML.

Morality

How far am I willing to go ?

Where would my morality give way? If I have a gun in my hand and him at my mercy, would I do it? .
If I have to just write his name in a notebook for him to die instantly, would I?
Or If Mephistopheles comes to me and makes a deal, would I?
What if he dies of natural causes/accident...would I be happy?

Do I want her to break up? Yes. But would I be actually happy if her heart is broken? Would I be happy to see her in tears?

Because life is not a romantic movie.Because she might be more happy with her guy than with me. Because he might actually be a nice guy, and probably is.Because he might just not die naturally for my convenience.

Am I filled with envy? Am I filled with jealousy?
Hes so so lucky.

I think of the last moments in Never Let Me Go. I think of Toby's scream. Of helplessness. and I feel it in resonate in me.
Atleast he knew he'll die with someone he loved.Atleast he was with her.

I am much much worse. I'd anyday exchange places.

Living is becoming a pain.

Drug

Its like a drug addiction. Thinking about her is so tempting. Calling and talking . yet I know the more I get closer, the more I interact or think, the more I'll be hurt.
Its like a fire i am carrying in me all the time. A burning hell. I try to keep my head away from it all the time, but it takes effort, and its a burden. Giving in to the temptation is so easy, giving in to the torture is so tempting.

I know I am selfdestrucing. and I cant help it.

Suffering

I think I'll remember her forever. I'll always miss the life that could have been. I've entered a personal hell. I dont know how to get rid of it. The memory. Do I even want to? Yes, I guess I'd want to get rid of this after an year or so. When even that involuntary hope would have been extuinguished. or would this tiny glimmer which I cant detect always keep burning and torturing me? Have I turned into Sisyphus? or someone worse.Moments are passing, only a few months are left. I want  turn every passing second into an year. I am afraid of the life to come. I can see myself falling  down a never ending hole, gaping into the the light of heaven, with the knowledge of the surrounding darkness, and the fear of the eternity of hell, the eternity of this never ending fall. Maybe if that visible light disappears, maybe if the lid is closed, I'll be able to live in peace. But for now, I stretch my hand to touch it, knowing that it can never be touched, never be reached.
Is this the price of having witnessed it, of having nearly felt what it would have been like.
Now the head-in-the-oven thing doesnt look as absurd.I need bootstraps.
Are our imaginations a curse? That If Only question.If only if i didnt have it in somewhere deep in my head.
Ovid is wrong.

Down

I know I'll look back at this time down the years. Hopefully I'll look back and smile. Hopefully I'd look back knowingly,having grown and learnt to  compromise. I'd look back poignantly, with the blurry image of her smiling. I'll advice and help my kids and younger people who'd come up to me.

Check

She is like what she is because she trusts me on some level. She believes I wont do anything stupid or awkward.

and I guess I'll have to play the role. The letter must remain.I want her to leave.
Honestly, I dont know what I want to do.What I should do.Just wander aimlessly?
I have been terribly immature, and I always will be. What is the cure?



"you have probably waited too long "

Who Am I?

1.My name is Piyush.
2.When I say I am human I mean I believe that I am human. Same goes for all other such assertions, like when I say my name is Piyush. When I say I believe in X, I  mean I believe that it is highly likely X is true,but it always might be otherwise. Which takes you into a strange loop , because its a recursive definition.
3.I think answer to life, universe and everything lies in concepts like infinity and recursion. These illustrate the limits or inadequacy of human thinking, and separate us from the dark areas which we dont know about.
4.I like watching stars, since early childhood. I feel a deep-seated emotional connect to them. Space is another area where I believe  lies the next step of evolution, the next frontier. Theres much to know about the universe.
5.I hate the fact that most of my thoughts and philosophies have already been explored by others.It makes me less unique in some way.
 6.I like observing the beauty and elegance in randomness and coincidences.
7.I think life is a miracle. The concept that I have evolved from a tiny sperm about 21 years ago till date is something I find overwhelming and miraculous.
8.I like rains. I've not used an umbrella ever since I entered college.
 9.Lately, I've started believing in the concept of Love. I've noticed the unconditional pure love existing between humans and animals, and I find it beautiful.
10.I love to travel, but I havnt been able to as much I'd wanted. I want to explore the whole world, meet new cultures, and new people.
11.I think life is a pursuit of happiness and creating good memories. There are many different kinds of happiness, and the happiness found after a long absence of happiness is one of the best ones.
12.I like watching and playing sports. Achieving something like scoring a goal or so, gives you one of the best kinds of happiness.
13.If I were someone else watching me, I'd hate me.I dont like my voice. Lately, watching myself on television has made me painfully realise this.
14.I like to think a lot, but I've realised that I shoudnt. It makes me indecisive and less spontaneous. So lately I've started acting impulsively and instinctively.
15.This exercise is pointless.

A bolt of lighting

I should stay away from her. There can be only one advice. No one can help. No one can understand. Heck, even I dont understand.
But I dont want to stay away.If I dont, would I only feel more hurt? If I do, would it be worth it?

I need a bolt of lightning. NOW. Either for me, or for a certain someone else.

Remedia Amoris

Trying to quit loving before the feeling becomes too important
Trying to be as busy as you can, e.g. with work
Traveling and trying to avoid familiar places that remind you of your relationship
Having many affairs, or at least another affair to forget the previous one
Avoiding staying by yourself

Melancholy and The Infinite Sadness

I thought I could handle this. I've failed myself.
Oh God . this is killing me.
The Unbearable Helplessness. It feels  like I'm sitting on my knees with eyes closed and  a gun to my head which is outside my control.

Tennov (1979) has suggested that the only cure for being in love is to get indisputable evidence that the target of one's love is not interested'. He is wrong.Totally off the mark.

Ovid in his Remedia Amoris 'provides advice on how to overcome inappropriate or unrequited love. The solutions offered include travel, teetotalism, bucolic pursuits, and (ironically) avoidance of love poets'.


Travel.

Only that theres no Serendipity

I never felt magic crazy as this
I never saw moons knew the meaning of the sea
I never held emotion in the palm of my hand
Or felt sweet breezes in the top of a tree
But now you're here
Bright in my northern sky.

It's been a long time that I'm waiting
Been a long time that I'm blown
been a long time that I've wandered
Through the people I have known
Oh, if you would and you could
Straighten my new mind's eye.

Would you love me for my money
Would you love me for my head
Would you love me through the winter
Would you love me 'til I'm dead
Oh, if you would and you could
Come blow your horn on high.

I never felt magic crazy as this
I never saw moons knew the meaning of the sea
I never held emotion in the palm of my hand
Or felt sweet breezes in the top of a tree
But now you're here
Bright in my northern sky.

A Beautiful Day

Where will I find anyone even remotely close?
Also, I found out I love to watch her eat and eat.
and..I think he suspects.

It was totally worth it.No, it was priceless.
Its a little sad actually. The reality. Sometimes I wonder if its all good only in my head. Maybe she actually hates me. Or worse - has no feelings at all.
Which is probably the case.with probability equal to one.
Who am I kidding? Its monstrously humongously sad.

Actually, I think I need to get out of this place. out of this country. a whole new environment.

Qahwa

A course to remember.

"Next time, What do we Eat?"

"Oh you know, knowledge is food!"

Clearly, the French dont lack wit.

Conniving me

I dreamt

I remember the dream. In it, his name was Sameer. How extraordinary would it be , if it was really that?
My dreamy mind is peculiarly producing creative stuff which I seem to remember later.

I can easily imagine how it got to Sameer. From one girl to the other.

Life

My life would be so sad without her.Oh my god, I cant even imagine. And we're not even close.
True Love? How is this possible. This cant be happening.

I

I have had a very pronounced sense of self for quite a while now, even more so this semester. I know exactly who I am, atleast I think I know, and I know exactly what kind of person I am going to spend the rest of my life with. The problem is , I dont like that person, I think hes boring, and I want to be away from him.

Ofcourse, that is a bit of an inconvenience. How does one knowingly change himself? Moving into a new environment with new friends would help. Participating in new activities would. Actually, come to think of it, I have already gone personality revolutions in many parts of my life. I look back at what I was five off years ago, and I shudder. A whole new bunch of friends,environment,activities have surely changed me.
I need a similar revolution now, so I can watch the current me from a different perspective.

I've realised that grades matter. So do looks. Somehow my internal happiness is connected to them, and no matter how far I've tried to run away from these 'social materialistic pursuits' , I am still dependent on them.

Is this because I am looking for someone? Looking for acceptance, for completion? In many ways , yes. I feel  so inadequate when I think of the two. Its already been 21 years, which is, mind you, a pretty long time.

Where would I find peace? An inner peace. If I work a lot, get perfect grades and publish a paper, would I find inner peace? If I get my hair back, perfect health, a good body and voice, would I find it? Would I get it if I become proficient and articulate in English? Would I get it if I am with her?

Or would I only get if I get rid of this sense of self? This deep inner disturbance, this helplessness,this inner view which is making me unsettled with myself. I've known myself my entire life, yet when I look back I wonder what the fuck was I thinking.

 ********** its all your fault. I should really go to Himalyas or something.Into the Wild?

I have my Game Theory Assignment and Minor due.

A selfobsessive freak? A stalker? A dangerous mixture of the two? How does one excercise self-control? Of going down that path. How does one stop thinking about himself,without thinking about himself?  By keeping the self occupied? By always having company around? Does that mean being afraid of being left alone with himself?

Keeping yourself occupied with worldly pursuits. Seems easy enough. But the knowledge of it being a useless pursuit is so heavy. How can one engage himself knowing that theres no use? The burden of knowledge , the knowledge of futility. This is my Unbearable Lightness of Being. This is my Sisyphean Task.

Only if you didnt have a boyfriend. I would have put myself to test. I might have changed myself. I would have   done the daring task.
But you do, and I go on ...

Mosquitoes

One is inclined to think that my killing prowess would be pretty famous by now, in the mosquito world.
Seems not.

I hate you little creepies!

Inspiration

She is like my Muse. I can just look and look at her , laughing and talking and smiling ,  and lose all sense of time and space. Especially when she plays, or smiles, cracks a joke and laughs. It turns everything into such a fabulous reality.The world has colours and music.

She'll go. I want time to freeze. I want it to never end.

OMFG

Dear Piyush Ahuja,

    Thanks for your very nice note.  I'm touched that GEB's preface (I presume you mean the 20th-anniversary preface?) has resonated with you so much.  Of course you'll have to see if the intensity of that resonance persists as you continue reading the book.

    You said that you've read a lot of philosophy but have never come across anything related to strange loops, paradoxes, and logic. Well, there is a huge amount of discussion among philosophers concerning paradoxes and logic, so I guess you just haven't been reading the right philosophers.  I myself find their ways of writing, however, to be nearly universally opaque, so I haven't been much enlightened by them.  I am much more down-to-earth than most philosophers, perhaps because my early training was in math and physics, or else perhaps because I just am fundamentally a very concrete-minded, example-driven person, and am incapable of being extremely abstract.  Whatever the reason is, my thinking style and writing style are pretty straightforward relative to those of most philosophers.

    I would recommend that you get a hold of my much later (2007) book, "I Am a Strange Loop", because it covers the same main territory as GEB does, but in a very different fashion, and I suspect that reading the two books would give a far clearer picture than reading just one of them.  I'm not sure which order I'd recommend.  I think IASL is a bit easier and more straightforward than GEB is, but perhaps GEB is more engaging.  Take your pick (if you choose to follow this suggestion).

    That's it for now, and I wish you many stimulating thoughts in reading GEB.

                                                 Sincerely,

                                                 Douglas Hofstadter.

Yours Sincerely

Mr. Hofstadter

I am a student in India and I've just read partly the preface to GEB. I am sure you've recieved numerous emails like these, and even more numerous (if that means something) emails which were more articulate, more serious, more knowledgable and added to your insights about mind and consciousness.

I just wanted to convey How I am feeling right now after reading the preface.It is a feeling which is in-convey-able through language, and yet through these inadequate words, through these lack of ability of language I want to convey the essence of what I am feeling. 

The questions you raise and the way you deal with them are something that have troubled me and whom I've played with  since childhood , yet at have not discussed them at length with anyone. I am not a student of logic or philosophy, and neither I have ever undertaken any effort to convey my own thoughts about this.But after reading your writing , I somehow feel scandalized that my thoughts have already been thought by someone before me, that they are not unique. Even though I feel so,  I also have  a kind of happy feeling that I am cherishing - that I am not alone with these thoughts - about strange loops, being and conciousness, unanswerable-in-our-own-logic-frame questions and so on.

 "It sometimes feels as if I had shouted a deeply cherished message out into an empty chasm and nobody heard me."

I've felt so my entire life, especially because of reading all sorts of philosophy yet not encountering anything related to strange loops, paradoxes, and logic.

I am certainly a big fan, and even though I dont expect you to come across this mail, it is something that my strange loop felt like doing. Maybe, through following these strange insticts of our strange loops, we might get answers to questions our conscious selves are raising.

Creativity

Sitting in an auto and eating an apple.

I wonder if I'd offered the guy my apple as part of the fare, how much would he have charged me?

Anyhow, I noticed that whatever creativity is, it doesnt come to visit you in your hostel room while you'r lying and thinking.
But to think of it, most people do masturbate without  lustful videos on.

hmmmm...
In other thoughts, if "Hehe" is girlish giggling, "lol" is girlish-kiddish, :) is immature-kiddish , haha is sarcastic/loud , then how do we mature young guys express amusement or mild laughter on chats?

How do we express our thinking process? hmmm? uhmmmm? errr?
Chat Vocab - need to expand it.

I am more mature than that. 

A Beautiful Year

Somehow, I am feeling very alive. Theres so much to do, so much to explore. The word is suddenly full of colours.So much to think and right about. About Music, Mathematics,Language, Movies, Mythology, Art, Mind, Philosophy, Dualism, Travel, Sports, History, Medicines, Biology, Science, Sociology,Politics, Business, Psychology, Literature. So many books to read, movies to watch, places to visit, people to talk.

I cant afford to Procrastinate at all, else I would miss life. I cant affort to let this wind of energy pass me by. I have to flow with it, on it. It might just take me to the place where I have aspired to go, but somehow never reached. The Hidden Land in my subconcious.
Here I come...

Imaginary

Ma'am discussed in class today:
"Say you have an imaginary friend in the head. An imaginary Stuti who you talk to all the time. Because you find her more interesting. Would you go to the real Stuti and go talk to her to check...:

Why is my life full of such ironic poignant situations? Why cant it be ironically pleasant and happy sittuations?

and to say that was the only peculiar incident that happened today wouldnt be true.

Earlier in the day, I had a dream. A rare one at that. Because she was in it. The first appearance maybe? Anyhow, I was expecting it. It was about time.
and it ended with her hating me and leaving me, and me yearning  for her to communicate. To tell me the problem. Eventually she faded out on the distances, through the terraced lands, into her own country , where her folks are and me turning around, almost in tears. And with a soundtrack.
and then I woke up. with the tune in my head. A tune which I've never heard. A tune which wasnt an external sound in a guise.An original tune. and for the first time , I noticed, we can make and hear sounds in our dreams.
Would we be able to hear music some day, without our ears? Does this hold true for other perceptions as well?

Dedicated to you

Gold teeth and a curse for this town were all in my mouth.
Only, i don't know how they got out, dear.
Turn me back into the pet that i was when we met.
I was happier then with no mind-set.

And if you'd 'a took to me like
A gull takes to the wind.
Well, i'd 'a jumped from my tree
And i'd a danced like the king of the eyesores
And the rest of our lives would 'a fared well.

New slang when you notice the stripes, the dirt in your fries.
Hope it's right when you die, old and bony.
Dawn breaks like a bull through the hall,
Never should have called
But my head's to the wall and i'm lonely.

And if you'd 'a took to me like
A gull takes to the wind.
Well, i'd 'a jumped from my tree
And i'd a danced like the kind of the eyesores
And the rest of our lives would 'a fared well.

God speed all the bakers at dawn may they all cut their thumbs,
And bleed into their buns 'till they melt away.

I'm looking in on the good life i might be doomed never to find.
Without a trust or flaming fields am i too dumb to refine?
And if you'd 'a took to me like
Well i'd a danced like the queen of the eyesores
And the rest of our lives would 'a fared well.