Dangerous Perspectives

Sometimes it seems so silly. 

Coincidence, again?

In fact, the girl from Bangladesh married someone else, and he went to her wedding.


I would never be able to do that.

They say unrequited love has inspired some of the greatest works of art. I can tell. I feel poetic everytime I allow myself to go down that path. Ofcourse, down that path lie beautiful imaginations.and pain. and helplessness,anguish.  and whenever I come back, all that clusters and gels into a stream of melancholy that I carry everytime. and then when people look at me, they ask, why am I  tense.or why am I sad. or if I am not feeling well.

This phase has really tested me. I thought I knew all about myself. But thinking that I know and actually experiencing it are two concepts entirely different.

Toska

"No single word in English renders all the shades of toska. At its deepest and most painful, it is a sensation of great spiritual anguish, often without any specific cause. At less morbid levels it is a dull ache of the soul, a longing with nothing to long for, a sick pining, a vague restlessness, mental throes, yearning. In particular cases it may be the desire for somebody of something specific, nostalgia, love-sickness. At the lowest level it grades into ennui, boredom.”

― Vladimir Nabokov 

Emotions

Why do I feel this way? Why, having developed all the experience and introspective self observational tools over the years,am I not able to control myself? Why is it that I think about her and drown in the infinite melancholy, even though I know its a potentially damaging state?

Because there is something that lives in me. Some emotion. Which developed out of nowhere. Through my rational and intuitive processes. No matter how hard I try , I cannot control it.I cannot diminish it. I cannot change it.
The only thing I can do is stay away from her. So that this part of me is incapacitated by lack of activity, and slowly go into a lull. Hopefully even wither away in some dark corner of me.
But as of now, everytime I see her, it burns even more brightly. Her thoughts serve as oil for this fire. and it dances. and every time she refers to her boyfriend, or every thought of  her with him, tortures this part.
and both these processes make it alive once again.

I should realise by now that theres no way my rational and introspective abilities can control it. Modify or extuingish these emotions. The only way out is to keep it dormant, and hope that it will erode and diminish, bit by bit.

Morality and Actions

I think the most intuitive actions, regardless of morality or empathy, are the ones which are the easiest and most comfortable. What social and moral conditioning does is that make those actions which might be harmful for the society more uncomfortable, so that  in following the most comfortable path, we chose the ones which do social good or individual good.

More thought on this later...Need to develop this.

Quote of the Semester

There will come a day when you'll feel like shit and you'll want to give up on this life and everything else. When that day arrives, save yourself some trouble and don't do a thing. Just take a nap.

I'd say just pour everything on the blog and then take a nap. For the lulz later. :)

Dream

Somethings wrong with by bed/room for the past few days. Everytime I lie on it , I start feeling sleepy. Daydreams slowly fade into real dreams, wakefulness smoothly transitions to sleep, and the other way round. Most of the times I dont know if what I am doing is real or not. Over the past few days , I've dreamt of asteroids, spaceships, mom, alcohol, bombs and what not.
The hypnogogic and hypnopompic states have become very prominent.
Only yesterday, I was having a Parliamentary Debate in a hypnopompic state : This House Believes that I should Sleep More vs THBT I should immediately get up.

:-|

Durga Pooja Day

Living the London winter with her.Playing, skating, attending church services, trying out new food, attending concerts, listening to classical music, watching football matches, and shopping,walking down the streets.
Travelling and dancing and meeting new people. Skydiving and all other adventure sports. Her to-do list and my to-do list combined. Adopting a dog. Singing in the rain. Drinking Coffee. Marvelling at the stars. Swimming. Boating. Fishing. Visiting the countryside. Cycling. Watching and ridiculing romantic movies.  Just looking at each other.for hours. and Smiling.

There, I said it.Reality is excruciating. I dont know what is a torture - these dreams, or the reality.What would I prefer - forgetting and erasing her and all these dreams, or forgetting and erasing reality? a la Vanilla Sky.

Tonight at Noon

Dedicated to you




Tonight at noon
Supermarkets will advertise 3p extra on everything
Tonight at noon
Children from happy families will be sent to live in a home
Elephants will tell each other human jokes
America will declare peace on Russia
World War I generals will sell poppies on the street on November 11th
The first daffodils of autumn will appear
When the leaves fall upwards to the trees

Tonight at noon
Pigeons will hunt cats through city backyards
Hitler will tell us to fight on the beaches and on the landing fields
A tunnel full of water will be built under Liverpool
Pigs will be sighted flying in formation over Woolton
And Nelson will not only get his eye back but his arm as well
White Americans will demonstrate for equal rights
In front of the Black house
And the monster has just created Dr. Frankenstein

Girls in bikinis are moonbathing
Folksongs are being sung by real folk
Art galleries are closed to people over 21
Poets get their poems in the Top 20
There's jobs for everybody and nobody wants them
In back alleys everywhere teenage lovers are kissing in broad daylight
In forgotten graveyards everywhere the dead will quietly bury the living
            and
You will tell me you love me - Tonight at Noon