The Game

There is nothing more dejecting and disheartening than this feeling of solitude. The solitude that arises from the inability to communicate.Not inability. Impossibility. Even more so when theres nothing you want to do more than this. To go. Shake and make her understand. Talk and write letters. Even cry maybe..But there is nothing,nothing I can do that will bring her even an inch closer to me.
The Game. It is not a very high level game as Ma'am said. I just realised I am playing it everyday, every moment. and I am losing every time. and its just not the game I am losing.

Tonight at Noon

Dedicated to you




Tonight at noon
Supermarkets will advertise 3p extra on everything
Tonight at noon
Children from happy families will be sent to live in a home
Elephants will tell each other human jokes
America will declare peace on Russia
World War I generals will sell poppies on the street on November 11th
The first daffodils of autumn will appear
When the leaves fall upwards to the trees

Tonight at noon
Pigeons will hunt cats through city backyards
Hitler will tell us to fight on the beaches and on the landing fields
A tunnel full of water will be built under Liverpool
Pigs will be sighted flying in formation over Woolton
And Nelson will not only get his eye back but his arm as well
White Americans will demonstrate for equal rights
In front of the Black house
And the monster has just created Dr. Frankenstein

Girls in bikinis are moonbathing
Folksongs are being sung by real folk
Art galleries are closed to people over 21
Poets get their poems in the Top 20
There's jobs for everybody and nobody wants them
In back alleys everywhere teenage lovers are kissing in broad daylight
In forgotten graveyards everywhere the dead will quietly bury the living
            and
You will tell me you love me - Tonight at Noon

I

I have had a very pronounced sense of self for quite a while now, even more so this semester. I know exactly who I am, atleast I think I know, and I know exactly what kind of person I am going to spend the rest of my life with. The problem is , I dont like that person, I think hes boring, and I want to be away from him.

Ofcourse, that is a bit of an inconvenience. How does one knowingly change himself? Moving into a new environment with new friends would help. Participating in new activities would. Actually, come to think of it, I have already gone personality revolutions in many parts of my life. I look back at what I was five off years ago, and I shudder. A whole new bunch of friends,environment,activities have surely changed me.
I need a similar revolution now, so I can watch the current me from a different perspective.

I've realised that grades matter. So do looks. Somehow my internal happiness is connected to them, and no matter how far I've tried to run away from these 'social materialistic pursuits' , I am still dependent on them.

Is this because I am looking for someone? Looking for acceptance, for completion? In many ways , yes. I feel  so inadequate when I think of the two. Its already been 21 years, which is, mind you, a pretty long time.

Where would I find peace? An inner peace. If I work a lot, get perfect grades and publish a paper, would I find inner peace? If I get my hair back, perfect health, a good body and voice, would I find it? Would I get it if I become proficient and articulate in English? Would I get it if I am with her?

Or would I only get if I get rid of this sense of self? This deep inner disturbance, this helplessness,this inner view which is making me unsettled with myself. I've known myself my entire life, yet when I look back I wonder what the fuck was I thinking.

 ********** its all your fault. I should really go to Himalyas or something.Into the Wild?

I have my Game Theory Assignment and Minor due.

A selfobsessive freak? A stalker? A dangerous mixture of the two? How does one excercise self-control? Of going down that path. How does one stop thinking about himself,without thinking about himself?  By keeping the self occupied? By always having company around? Does that mean being afraid of being left alone with himself?

Keeping yourself occupied with worldly pursuits. Seems easy enough. But the knowledge of it being a useless pursuit is so heavy. How can one engage himself knowing that theres no use? The burden of knowledge , the knowledge of futility. This is my Unbearable Lightness of Being. This is my Sisyphean Task.

Only if you didnt have a boyfriend. I would have put myself to test. I might have changed myself. I would have   done the daring task.
But you do, and I go on ...

Dedicated to you

Gold teeth and a curse for this town were all in my mouth.
Only, i don't know how they got out, dear.
Turn me back into the pet that i was when we met.
I was happier then with no mind-set.

And if you'd 'a took to me like
A gull takes to the wind.
Well, i'd 'a jumped from my tree
And i'd a danced like the king of the eyesores
And the rest of our lives would 'a fared well.

New slang when you notice the stripes, the dirt in your fries.
Hope it's right when you die, old and bony.
Dawn breaks like a bull through the hall,
Never should have called
But my head's to the wall and i'm lonely.

And if you'd 'a took to me like
A gull takes to the wind.
Well, i'd 'a jumped from my tree
And i'd a danced like the kind of the eyesores
And the rest of our lives would 'a fared well.

God speed all the bakers at dawn may they all cut their thumbs,
And bleed into their buns 'till they melt away.

I'm looking in on the good life i might be doomed never to find.
Without a trust or flaming fields am i too dumb to refine?
And if you'd 'a took to me like
Well i'd a danced like the queen of the eyesores
And the rest of our lives would 'a fared well.

Diamond in the Sky

Is Life simply a pursuit of creating happy memories? 

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity. - Einstein

and It didnt feel like a night at all. It felt like just a few mins. Even thought I didnt have much to say, or even her.

I wanted to create a memory of her. I needed a night like this. Even though we are not meant to be. 

How can life to this to me? 

I've always believed that I always fall for girls only if they show a little bit of attention to me. I've never believe in romantic idealistic notions of love. But the point is , she has never shown it.  I can sense something intangible connecting me to her. Why can she not sense it too?

Why did life do this? Why did it bring her so close to true likeness, almost improbabilistically the one, and yet do this.

She didnt even remember me from 2nd year. I have never  been at the end of this.It was a big blow to what some might call my leonian ego.I've had the habit of forgetting people , or not noticing them. But rarely been at the end of it.

I never expected it.and I acted like a creep.

and yet I am just being immature and stupid and uncool.I know I am. 

I still remember that vague image of her, in a suit and a boycut in sip and byte - my early days in college, probably even my bday. 

I want to see Serendipity. 

I have a memory with her, and I guess that's the best I could and should hope for. 

Damn that IITB guy. 

She

What makes a good life? As a sit in my room, listening to music and reading the relationship between science and technology, this s the question that is plaguing my head. What makes a good life? A life full with no regrets.Where I dont have this sickening feeling of having followed the wrong path.
What are my dreams? Will following and achieving them make my life good.
I am lovesick.I look at her and I know that its would never be.Because I've not grown into someone ...I just havnt been what I wanted to be. AND i know that that person who was meant to be with her is the person I aspired to be. Thats probably why she inspires me and depresses me. She makes me realise that I havnt been that person. That I might never be.
Is this it? Is this the semester of slow painful realisation? She is like a mirror who shows me myself. Should I keep away from her? Shall i stay under the delusions?

Let me list out the traits of that image , of the simulcra, the representation:

1. He is knowlegdable, argumentative and fluent in English. Can strike a wonderful conversation with anyone anytime
2. He is good looking, knows how to dress and treat people, slightly chivalrous
3. He has travelled a lot and adept at practical work
4. Writes well.

What makes a good life? Being that person would make my life good?
Surely studying and getting good grades doesnt make life good. Does it?
Yes, partly.

I dont want to look innocent and childlike anymore. I want to look imposing and suave.
Perspective of life.of self. Thats all there is to it.

I can see her getting away.

Things to do:

Debating
Writing
Photography
Movie Making
Travelling

Yes, she is the girl next door. My girl next door.She would be my inspiration. She would be the bootstraps that would pull me out of the swamp..Ok.wrong metaphor.

I need to improve.I need to go out.
I should buy Shuvi a gift.

Yes.

Shuvi and Sudarshana. Preeti? I am lucky to have em. I should not run away. He wouldnt have.
As for career choice, no. Finance, Consulting > MS> PhD as of now.
Here I come.Out of the Wild.

Slow Show

Standing at the punch table swallowing punch
can’t pay attention to the sound of anyone
a little more stupid, a little more scared
every minute more unprepared

I made a mistake in my life today
everything I love gets lost in drawers
I want to start over, I want to be winning
way out of sync from the beginning

I wanna hurry home to you
put on a slow, dumb show for you
and crack you up
so you can put a blue ribbon on my brain
god I’m very, very frightening
I’ll overdo it

Looking for somewhere to stand and stay
I leaned on the wall and the wall leaned away
Can I get a minute of not being nervous
and not thinking of my dick
My leg is sparkles, my leg is pins
I better get my shit together, better gather my shit in
You could drive a car through my head in five minutes
from one side of it to the other

I wanna hurry home to you
put on a slow, dumb show for you
and crack you up
so you can put a blue ribbon on my brain
god I’m very, very frightening
I’ll overdo it

You know I dreamed about you
for twenty-nine years before I saw you
You know I dreamed about you
I missed you for
for twenty-nine years

You know I dreamed about you
for twenty-nine years before I saw you
You know I dreamed about you
I missed you for
for twenty-nine years

The Fading Dream

And though I finally found her, or her spitting image... I find that I am helpless.
What if she just floats right in front of me? just passes by...
Would that be the end of it ?

Agony

Catch your dreams before they slip away
Dying all the time
Lose your dreams
And you will lose your mind.
Aint life unkind?


:(

I so wish...