Agony

Catch your dreams before they slip away
Dying all the time
Lose your dreams
And you will lose your mind.
Aint life unkind?


:(

I so wish...

London Day 1

Written when those memories were still fresh..

I still remember when I first stepped out at Heathrow. The gush of cold air. The people.THe englishmen.The NRIs. The sikh who offered me his mobile. The crowd with placards.
It was THE MOMENT. I remember thinking about how far away from home I was. I remember that feeling of an adventure - of finally doing something. I had that feeling - that rare feeling of actually living a dream. An experience you had looked up to for years - and finally living it. I could have spent hours and hours there.
I remember fiddlng with the coins and trying to work out my way with them. I remember trying to figure out the public telephone and asking people for help.
I remember being angry at my sister for being too 'busy' - yet at the same time happy for being alone and independent.

I am afraid one day I will forget it all. Or worse - I will forget how super out of the worldy awesome it was.Once I start travelling abroad frequently, will I not feel the same breath of excitement? Will I not look at the world with curious inquisitive marvelling eyes.Will I get used to it all, and forget the beauty and extraordinariness of it all? Will I get used to it?

Thats why need to pen it down.everything. the long walkalators and the helpful policement. The nepali guy who sat with me first time in the tube. The first time in the tube and the coulourful mix of people. The girl looking for arnos grove. the hefty arabic speaking/looking woman.

I will not forget stepping out in canary wharf plaza. The cold breeze.People in long overcoats. The christmas lights. The taxi who refused me a ride because my destination was too close. working my way round those skyscrapers, the roundabouts, jamie's italian to fraser place.
I will not forget walking in the sticky snow and looking at frasers place.The sudden warmth I felt stepping inside.
I will not forget the fragrance- the fragrance which inspired and urged adventure.

The best month of my entire life.

Dreams and Diaries

Time slows down in our dreams,and getting back to senses we get the shocking realisation that what felt like days were actually only a few mins. And then we get the feeling that we're might forget it. We dont want to let go. and as the cherished memory and the sensation fades off, we try with all our might to cling to it.
The whole of December feels like a dream .It feels so unreal now- when I'm reminiscing those moments. How did a month get over so quickly? I dont want those wonderful memories to fade away...
When I was there, I used to think that this is it. This is THE life changing experience.This is the inspiration,the dream I was looking for.But now all that seems so distant.
Its baffling how soon I have forgotten London and the spirit it espoused. How I have reverted to my old self. I know I had changed while I was there. I had grown. In one month, I had touched the tip of an ocean..An ocean which had inspired writers,great leaders,artists and intellectuals.I had breathed an air of fresh life.Now it feels like I was just under a spell. I am back at square one. Slowly melded back in the milieu, the same environment, gone back to the same behaviour, got caught up in the rat race.
I listen to the music I associate with that month and I fall in a trance.I feel like it reignites that flame in some small corner within me.and I try to preserve it as long as I can.
I miss London. and I miss the person I was while I was there.

High

Yes..! I felt that again...again! Maybe just a feeble one...but still..means I havnt lost it..Means maybe I am just waiting for the right one.  I know this particular one isnt it.Highly highly improbable. But atleast I felt it again. I was afraid that I have turned old and boring and uhmm...numb. But there is hope for me yet.

Regrets...

So much was missing from today's event. It could have been so much different. 
I regret not doing anything.Anything more than I what did. I should have made an effort. I was trying to be neutral, when I shouldnt have been. But then, did I see it coming?

Did I? I should have..I was too meek.Was I afraid  ? Afraid of people ?
I regret so much. and I am so sorry. 

Dreams made Flesh

In between..the sleep and the wake..the concious and the subconcious..the memories and the dreams..lies him.
In between..the pretentions and the honesty..inside  the liminal spaces but  outside the walls..Do i need to hallucinate to go there? Do i need to be high to clamber those walls? I want no boundaries.Where is the vast expanse?
Psychedelic is good.Psychedelic is underrated. I like psychedelic.I like dreamy.the phantasmgoric.kaleidoscopic.
If life is a delusion what is real? The mind made the flesh.
Rid me of this mortal coil
Free me of this useless toil