Suffering

I think I'll remember her forever. I'll always miss the life that could have been. I've entered a personal hell. I dont know how to get rid of it. The memory. Do I even want to? Yes, I guess I'd want to get rid of this after an year or so. When even that involuntary hope would have been extuinguished. or would this tiny glimmer which I cant detect always keep burning and torturing me? Have I turned into Sisyphus? or someone worse.Moments are passing, only a few months are left. I want  turn every passing second into an year. I am afraid of the life to come. I can see myself falling  down a never ending hole, gaping into the the light of heaven, with the knowledge of the surrounding darkness, and the fear of the eternity of hell, the eternity of this never ending fall. Maybe if that visible light disappears, maybe if the lid is closed, I'll be able to live in peace. But for now, I stretch my hand to touch it, knowing that it can never be touched, never be reached.
Is this the price of having witnessed it, of having nearly felt what it would have been like.
Now the head-in-the-oven thing doesnt look as absurd.I need bootstraps.
Are our imaginations a curse? That If Only question.If only if i didnt have it in somewhere deep in my head.
Ovid is wrong.