I have had a very pronounced sense of self for quite a while now, even more so this semester. I know exactly who I am, atleast I think I know, and I know exactly what kind of person I am going to spend the rest of my life with. The problem is , I dont like that person, I think hes boring, and I want to be away from him.
Ofcourse, that is a bit of an inconvenience. How does one knowingly change himself? Moving into a new environment with new friends would help. Participating in new activities would. Actually, come to think of it, I have already gone personality revolutions in many parts of my life. I look back at what I was five off years ago, and I shudder. A whole new bunch of friends,environment,activities have surely changed me.
I need a similar revolution now, so I can watch the current me from a different perspective.
I've realised that grades matter. So do looks. Somehow my internal happiness is connected to them, and no matter how far I've tried to run away from these 'social materialistic pursuits' , I am still dependent on them.
Is this because I am looking for someone? Looking for acceptance, for completion? In many ways , yes. I feel so inadequate when I think of the two. Its already been 21 years, which is, mind you, a pretty long time.
Where would I find peace? An inner peace. If I work a lot, get perfect grades and publish a paper, would I find inner peace? If I get my hair back, perfect health, a good body and voice, would I find it? Would I get it if I become proficient and articulate in English? Would I get it if I am with her?
Or would I only get if I get rid of this sense of self? This deep inner disturbance, this helplessness,this inner view which is making me unsettled with myself. I've known myself my entire life, yet when I look back I wonder what the fuck was I thinking.
********** its all your fault. I should really go to Himalyas or something.Into the Wild?
I have my Game Theory Assignment and Minor due.
A selfobsessive freak? A stalker? A dangerous mixture of the two? How does one excercise self-control? Of going down that path. How does one stop thinking about himself,without thinking about himself? By keeping the self occupied? By always having company around? Does that mean being afraid of being left alone with himself?
Keeping yourself occupied with worldly pursuits. Seems easy enough. But the knowledge of it being a useless pursuit is so heavy. How can one engage himself knowing that theres no use? The burden of knowledge , the knowledge of futility. This is my Unbearable Lightness of Being. This is my Sisyphean Task.
Only if you didnt have a boyfriend. I would have put myself to test. I might have changed myself. I would have done the daring task.
But you do, and I go on ...
Ofcourse, that is a bit of an inconvenience. How does one knowingly change himself? Moving into a new environment with new friends would help. Participating in new activities would. Actually, come to think of it, I have already gone personality revolutions in many parts of my life. I look back at what I was five off years ago, and I shudder. A whole new bunch of friends,environment,activities have surely changed me.
I need a similar revolution now, so I can watch the current me from a different perspective.
I've realised that grades matter. So do looks. Somehow my internal happiness is connected to them, and no matter how far I've tried to run away from these 'social materialistic pursuits' , I am still dependent on them.
Is this because I am looking for someone? Looking for acceptance, for completion? In many ways , yes. I feel so inadequate when I think of the two. Its already been 21 years, which is, mind you, a pretty long time.
Where would I find peace? An inner peace. If I work a lot, get perfect grades and publish a paper, would I find inner peace? If I get my hair back, perfect health, a good body and voice, would I find it? Would I get it if I become proficient and articulate in English? Would I get it if I am with her?
Or would I only get if I get rid of this sense of self? This deep inner disturbance, this helplessness,this inner view which is making me unsettled with myself. I've known myself my entire life, yet when I look back I wonder what the fuck was I thinking.
********** its all your fault. I should really go to Himalyas or something.Into the Wild?
I have my Game Theory Assignment and Minor due.
A selfobsessive freak? A stalker? A dangerous mixture of the two? How does one excercise self-control? Of going down that path. How does one stop thinking about himself,without thinking about himself? By keeping the self occupied? By always having company around? Does that mean being afraid of being left alone with himself?
Keeping yourself occupied with worldly pursuits. Seems easy enough. But the knowledge of it being a useless pursuit is so heavy. How can one engage himself knowing that theres no use? The burden of knowledge , the knowledge of futility. This is my Unbearable Lightness of Being. This is my Sisyphean Task.
Only if you didnt have a boyfriend. I would have put myself to test. I might have changed myself. I would have done the daring task.
But you do, and I go on ...
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