Bitterness

I can feel it. I am turning into a bitter person. I feel alone, and no matter how many people I stay around, how y friends love me, how successful I be, I'll always feel this  solitaryness. I look into the mirror and I hate myself and I hate the world.
So maybe the feelings are not so pure afterall. No, I dont hate her. But I hate the world.I hate chance and randomness. Somewhere deep down, I hate myself.
I cant take any jokes or comments she or prachi or harshad or anyone makes. Not any longer. I cant talk to anyone about this. I cant show my feelings.

I feel like I'll be like a ghost walking in the campus. Without that soul, but with the memory of it.

A Little Annoyed

I try to look happy and all in front of her, and now she reckons that I 'giggle' too much.

JAM

This little part of my life. This tiny little part...is what I call happiness. A newfound form of happiness. For that moment, even though I contributed only 0.5 points to the cause,  I had achieved something.
The burden of illusions, of knowlingly indulging in them, vapourised in that period of joyous oblivion.

She wants to marry the guy. and No. It is not a bitter pill. It is a tasteless poison. I may live like this forever, I might not find anyone like her, but I think  , with some time and emotional effort, I'll be able to forget my sentiments.My sentiments will go, only their memory will remain.

It is my great fortune that I have friends like Gagandeep and Shankhayan, Mayank and Murari, Prachi and Shuvi.

The day today gave me an indication that this is probably a phase. And probably not one which is worse that the one I had 5 years ago in two important ways. 1. I am better prepared and more mature to handle this.
2. I have many more means and friends to get me through it, to keep me busy and deluded.

Life, and Why I hate it

" I dont want to have a 9 year long long-distance relationship".

Then break it...Break it.. BREAK IT ! BREAK IT ! BREAK IT ! BREAK IT !  screams every little corner of me


"Then go for MS maybe. or since hes in Elec, maybe both you and him can go for a PhD in neuroscience and be together"

As they say... FML.

Morality

How far am I willing to go ?

Where would my morality give way? If I have a gun in my hand and him at my mercy, would I do it? .
If I have to just write his name in a notebook for him to die instantly, would I?
Or If Mephistopheles comes to me and makes a deal, would I?
What if he dies of natural causes/accident...would I be happy?

Do I want her to break up? Yes. But would I be actually happy if her heart is broken? Would I be happy to see her in tears?

Because life is not a romantic movie.Because she might be more happy with her guy than with me. Because he might actually be a nice guy, and probably is.Because he might just not die naturally for my convenience.

Am I filled with envy? Am I filled with jealousy?
Hes so so lucky.

I think of the last moments in Never Let Me Go. I think of Toby's scream. Of helplessness. and I feel it in resonate in me.
Atleast he knew he'll die with someone he loved.Atleast he was with her.

I am much much worse. I'd anyday exchange places.

Living is becoming a pain.

Drug

Its like a drug addiction. Thinking about her is so tempting. Calling and talking . yet I know the more I get closer, the more I interact or think, the more I'll be hurt.
Its like a fire i am carrying in me all the time. A burning hell. I try to keep my head away from it all the time, but it takes effort, and its a burden. Giving in to the temptation is so easy, giving in to the torture is so tempting.

I know I am selfdestrucing. and I cant help it.

Suffering

I think I'll remember her forever. I'll always miss the life that could have been. I've entered a personal hell. I dont know how to get rid of it. The memory. Do I even want to? Yes, I guess I'd want to get rid of this after an year or so. When even that involuntary hope would have been extuinguished. or would this tiny glimmer which I cant detect always keep burning and torturing me? Have I turned into Sisyphus? or someone worse.Moments are passing, only a few months are left. I want  turn every passing second into an year. I am afraid of the life to come. I can see myself falling  down a never ending hole, gaping into the the light of heaven, with the knowledge of the surrounding darkness, and the fear of the eternity of hell, the eternity of this never ending fall. Maybe if that visible light disappears, maybe if the lid is closed, I'll be able to live in peace. But for now, I stretch my hand to touch it, knowing that it can never be touched, never be reached.
Is this the price of having witnessed it, of having nearly felt what it would have been like.
Now the head-in-the-oven thing doesnt look as absurd.I need bootstraps.
Are our imaginations a curse? That If Only question.If only if i didnt have it in somewhere deep in my head.
Ovid is wrong.

Down

I know I'll look back at this time down the years. Hopefully I'll look back and smile. Hopefully I'd look back knowingly,having grown and learnt to  compromise. I'd look back poignantly, with the blurry image of her smiling. I'll advice and help my kids and younger people who'd come up to me.

Check

She is like what she is because she trusts me on some level. She believes I wont do anything stupid or awkward.

and I guess I'll have to play the role. The letter must remain.I want her to leave.
Honestly, I dont know what I want to do.What I should do.Just wander aimlessly?
I have been terribly immature, and I always will be. What is the cure?



"you have probably waited too long "

Who Am I?

1.My name is Piyush.
2.When I say I am human I mean I believe that I am human. Same goes for all other such assertions, like when I say my name is Piyush. When I say I believe in X, I  mean I believe that it is highly likely X is true,but it always might be otherwise. Which takes you into a strange loop , because its a recursive definition.
3.I think answer to life, universe and everything lies in concepts like infinity and recursion. These illustrate the limits or inadequacy of human thinking, and separate us from the dark areas which we dont know about.
4.I like watching stars, since early childhood. I feel a deep-seated emotional connect to them. Space is another area where I believe  lies the next step of evolution, the next frontier. Theres much to know about the universe.
5.I hate the fact that most of my thoughts and philosophies have already been explored by others.It makes me less unique in some way.
 6.I like observing the beauty and elegance in randomness and coincidences.
7.I think life is a miracle. The concept that I have evolved from a tiny sperm about 21 years ago till date is something I find overwhelming and miraculous.
8.I like rains. I've not used an umbrella ever since I entered college.
 9.Lately, I've started believing in the concept of Love. I've noticed the unconditional pure love existing between humans and animals, and I find it beautiful.
10.I love to travel, but I havnt been able to as much I'd wanted. I want to explore the whole world, meet new cultures, and new people.
11.I think life is a pursuit of happiness and creating good memories. There are many different kinds of happiness, and the happiness found after a long absence of happiness is one of the best ones.
12.I like watching and playing sports. Achieving something like scoring a goal or so, gives you one of the best kinds of happiness.
13.If I were someone else watching me, I'd hate me.I dont like my voice. Lately, watching myself on television has made me painfully realise this.
14.I like to think a lot, but I've realised that I shoudnt. It makes me indecisive and less spontaneous. So lately I've started acting impulsively and instinctively.
15.This exercise is pointless.